I've always laughed at those kinds of lists. I've just never thought of any of them as very realistic. I mean I have to admit that Angelina Jolie is beautiful. That's not what I'm saying. But, what if there was some gorgeous angel in a village somewhere that the researchers for People have never visited?
I just think they make it too easy on themselves. They don't scour the earth looking for people who actually might fit the profile. No! They look as far as the headlines for the celebrities in high profile to complete their little lists. How accurate could it be if we haven't lined up every beautiful woman in the world and examined them thoroughly?
Yes, we have beauty pageants that cover every country in the world. Women who wish to participate. But, not every beautiful woman participates. There's a farmer's daughter somewhere in Japan or a pub owner's sister in Ireland who don't give one iota for being in a beauty pageant. So, really those beauty pageants are only by default. We can only choose from the ladies who are willing to compete.
Sure, we come very close with our Hooter girls. And Hefner has the best idea of anyone for what a beautiful woman actually looks like. He's seen them. I just keep thinking that down by the river gathering water for her North African village is one lady that will blow them all away. But, she doesn't even know about a pageant or her beauty or some 100 most beautiful woman's list.
I wish those lists were named a little more accurately. They could be named 100 Most Beautiful Women In The World Of The Ones We Actually Know. Or why don't they just call it what it is? Just Another Competition Between The Celebrities. Suzy down the street doesn't get to play. This one is between Jennifer Anniston and Cherlize Theron, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. The celebrities get to see once again who is better than who. It's not as if they don't have enough of those already. That red carpet is getting pretty worn out.
What I have actually wrestled with over the years is who I would pick in my top five. I wrestle with it because I'm unorthodox. While most guys go for the obvious, the latest and greatest. I'm a diehard. I've stuck with the same twenty throughout the years. And I can't put them in order for who actually gets the top five. It all depends on when I'm thinking about it.
Watching Leaving Las Vegas with Nicolas Cage, the answer is Elisabeth Shue. She's got some kind of look in her eye that knocks me dead. But, when I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun, there's Diane Lane. My absolute favorite of all time! Until I watch Dangerous Minds and see Michelle Pfeiffer. Flipping through the channels I see Heather Locklear on Boston Legal. And what about Sarah Jessica Parker, Faith Hill, Shania Twain and oh...Carrie Underwood. And of course, Jennifer Anniston is on my list. She has to be! That was just a joke earlier. While I'm at it, Cherlize is too. And Lindsay Lohan for some reason.
But, did you notice? My list did not include any Pam, Paris or Britney. Mostly none of the beautiful women other men would choose would make my list for some reason. I mean, I see how beautiful they are. But, there's just something about them that keeps them off my list. And I can't figure it out. I've wrestled with it for years. Here's how the argument goes with me.
Who is more beautiful, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Anniston? My answer is Jennifer Anniston even though I do wrestle with it from time to time when I see a picture of Angelina Jolie in a foreign land spending time with a child. And she's for real about it too! She's no Madonna who comes from New York and tries to sound like she's British. The whole adoption thing with her was absolutely ridiculous. It's like she's trying to play catch up with Angelina like it's some kind of trendy thing to do. Anyway, see how I battle with it?
But, Jennifer wins out every time. Why? It's hard to explain. That's a funny conversation within itself.
"She's like the girl next door. Like she's not some supermodel or anything."
"But, she's as gorgeous as any of those supermodels."
"Oh, I know. I didn't mean it like that. But, there's something about her that's down to earth. She's more real to me."
And going over that conversation for you, I realized two more. Courtney Cox and Heidi Klum. It was the whole comparing Jennifer with a supermodel and I came up with Courtney and a supermodel. See how my mind works? How many is that so far anyway? It looks like in my top five, I have about thirteen. So, there's still a few missing.
But to get back to my point about Jennifer, it's the whole real thing that does it for me. Angelina with her gracious style like her every move is choreographed. She makes taking a shot of whiskey look sexy. She makes the look when the alcohol burns her mouth look like you want a drink, not just a drink, her drink, not just her drink, her. Total sexy. All the time.
But, Jennifer I watched through the years in Friends. I've seen her sick. I've seen her cry. I've seen her in her pajamas with a busted lip. She was always gracious and always gorgeous. But, she was real.
It's like the sitcom wives. None of them would ever grace a catwalk or even Peoples most beautiful blah, blah, blah. But, they are. They are real and they are absolutely gorgeous.
Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton. Stunning, and yet real.
Still Standing's Jamie Gertz. Always did love her.
According to Jim's Courtney Thorne-Smith, I mean cute right?
You get the point? What's that make sixteen now? Getting closer.
But, I don't always follow my own rules. I mean, I have no idea what the Jessica Simpson thing is about. I just like her. It's like at the end of Dukes of Hazard when she was even in blue jeans. See, I'm not even talking about her in her Daisy Dukes. I'm talking about when she's walking toward the roadblock trying to cause a distraction. The look in her eyes and the way she cocked her head as she was walking one foot in front of the other. That did it for me.
But, my main strength is seeing what others don't. Look at who has been an unsung hero for years. The sidekick to Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30. But, I first noticed her when she played a little part in an old David Schwimmer and Jason Lee movie entitled Kissing A Fool. Judy Greer stole one of the only scenes she was in when they finally realize Jason loves the girl his best friend David's been dating. Her jaw drops. She cocks her head. Then she scats out of the room. Her little part made the scene.
And then there's Ashley Judd. What gets me most about her is how she went out on her own. She was touring with her sister and her mother. But, that wasn't for her. She went off on her own and made her own name for herself. Boy, can she be sexy. And she is very real.
So, that brings me to one more left. What that actually means is that I have about thirty or forty in my top five. But, I'll spare you and just finish with that last one. I'll kick myself in the butt later for not including this one or not including that one. I just have to let you know that your jaw might drop. But, I have proof of how beautiful this lady can be. Bette Midler has a way of shooting a glance at the camera and knocking me dead.
So, that's basically my list of women I will never have. Women I would be lucky to even meet. But, I have a feeling. One day, I will be walking down the street minding my own business and I'll happen to look up just at the right time. I'll see her standing there. The most beautiful woman in the world. She'll talk to me in her Southern accent and I will completely melt. Then I will understand why People Magazine makes lists the way they do. I won't want the whole world knowing how beautiful she is either. Leave that competition to the ones who want it.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit."
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of falling from them.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Did I see what I think I saw?
Horatio Caine gets shot. His sunglasses lie on the ground in front of him with a hole through the lens. His body jerks and the expression on his face is like his life is passing in front of his eyes. CSI:
Fade Out
End Teaser
Oh wait! It gets better.
Ryan Wolfe gets a text message on his phone, "It is done."
It's
reminiscent of what Julia Ortega, an arms dealer, said over the phone
after he was put behind bars, "Let me know when it is done."
Now Fade Out
End Teaser
What? What is going on?
I watched the day Ryan Wolfe was hired from a street patrol to CSI. I watched when he was fired for gambling. I watched when Horatio got him hired again. Horatio liked the kid from day one. I believe there is no way Ryan Wolfe would have anything to do with Horatio's death.
So, I thought maybe I missed something. Here's the best part. I watched the entire episode again…online…CBS…Primetime…CSI:
Yep, he was shot alright. I guess I'm just going to have to wait until August to see what actually happened.
In the meantime, I'm catching up on the back story.
Theory: He had Kevlar on and it was a fake death. His brother faked his death to go deeper under cover. That could be what Horatio is doing.
He has gone toWriting novels was my first love. I’m one of those who dreamed of writing
I wrote my first screenplay. I called it Hermit in the Village and it got me started on screenplays. Obviously, it didn’t get me the position at Walt Disney because once I finished the screenplay I read the very important small print information that my screenplay needed to be copyrighted either through the Guild or at the Library of Congress. The LOC takes about three months and I just didn’t qualify to be in the Guild let alone copyright my screenplay through them.
So, it was stored and worked on for the next year until the opportunity presented itself again. But then, a completely different opportunity came along and my screenplay went on the backburner even though my love for writing them never did. Now, I have a fresh screenplay that just came to me as an inevitable write that I simply had to do before someone else did. It’s along the lines with what happened to The Dukes of Hazard and Starsky and Hutch. Only this television series is serious with funny quirks and someone is bound to write the movie for it. It might as well be me.
The issue is that it is finished and the journey begins. I want to walk you through it because it is intriguing what I’m doing here and it just might help you if you have the same aspiration. See, I have an interesting strategy. I have contacts in celebrityville. That’s right! If I can’t get in touch with the celebrity myself, I certainly can get a hold of any celebrity’s manager, agent or publicist. I’ve been doing it now for a few years and I’ve finally decided to start writing a blog about it at celebrityadvocatetoday.com.
Search: Directors
With the screenplay finished, I need to find a director. But, it’s not as easy as thumbing through a rolodex. The person who doesn’t put their homework in will never get anywhere. There are search criteria that you will have to follow because you can’t just pitch a screenplay to any director. And by the way, by director I also mean any filmmaker, producer or Entertainment Company that might want to look at it.
Keep Dignified
Pitching your screenplay to just anyone is wasted time. Quentin Tarantino would most likely not be interested in this movie. So, getting a hold of his people wouldn’t be ideal. Plus, I don’t brush elbows with celebrities. I just happen to know how to get in contact with many of them. But let’s just say that one day I happen to bump into Quentin at a party, I would most likely ask him who I should pitch “IF” the conversation would indeed happen.
I would not pitch him and lose all my dignity in half a
second. Even though just about everyone
in
Find a Match
So, I’m rolling through my proverbial rolodex and I pull out all the directors I have in my black book. Again, I only want to find the ones who match. Plus, I can’t pitch them all at one time. There is an unwritten rule about that. So, I need to really go one at a time and the best way to save time is to find the best match.
Here’s what I did:
First, I think of a movie that closely resembles mine. That MIGHT be The Dukes of Hazard as a first shot. I say might because there might be a better
director suited for me out there somewhere.
But, looking at The Dukes of
Hazard is a good first shot that gets me started in my search.
Second, IMDB.com is a database that offers great information on anything you want to know concerning movies. I do a quick search for The Dukes of Hazard and I find Jessica Simpson so I know I have the right movie because they did make another one. I want to work with the guy who cast Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson and a good old boy for real Willie Nelson.
Third, the search produces Jay Chandrasekhar as the director
of The Dukes of Hazard so, that’s as
good of a start as any. If I am going to
pitch him, I have to understand that it is going to take some time. But, time is worth it. People who want their movies shot yesterday,
don’t care enough about their work.
There are people out there who just want to be celebrities for celebrity
sake. But, the only ones who last in
After looking through his profile, I find that Jay is a comedian. But, he has an impressive list of movies he has directed including Super Troopers, Beerfest, and he’s in the process of doing Super Troopers 2. My screenplay still fits his style of work. If it hadn’t, I would have simply flipped to someone else and began looking through their portfolios to see if they match. Now, don’t get me wrong. The only reason I am looking for a match is because I don’t want to waste a few years pitching to director after director and becoming an annoying pest in the inner circles. Finding a match insures that you are heading in the right direction and are best increasing your chances of getting seen let alone making a deal.
So, my final step is to look Jay up in my “rolodex” and find his contact information. I put together my synopsis and treatment. Then, I contact Jay’s company to see if they would like to look over my work. Not too pushy, but the right amount of aggression. I do have to explain how I think Jay would love the movie. But you see, I’ve already done my homework. I’m not just shooting in the dark. I have answers and I use a bit of my business consulting finesse to get me in there.
Sit back, relax and go back to work. Don’t bug them every day. File 13. Don’t go see them. File 13. It’s the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” game and there is a way to play. If you wait about a month, that’s a good amount of time to follow up on your contact. You may not get an answer then, but you will definitely be appreciated for not bugging them. Make sure you don’t take for granted that they obviously know who you are. Make sure you remind them about screenplay, what it’s about, why Jay would love it and basically have a cut down version of the same conversation you had a month ago. Who knows? You just might get an appointment that day.