Last night, as most of us slept George Carlin passed away of heart failure.   I remember seeing him for the first time at the Kennedy Center.  His brand of humor was new to me because he could take the simplest of things and twist it around into something hilarious.  He challenged my views.  He always made the most interesting points and after you sat there stunned for a minute, you realized that there was meaning in most of his words.

"In his lengthy career as a comedian, writer, and actor, George Carlin has not only made us laugh, but he makes us think," said Kennedy Center chair Stephen Schwarzman. "His influence on the next generation of comics has been far-reaching."

So, I'd like to dedicate this article to remembering a few things about him.


Some of His Achievements


The first host of Saturday Night Live.

"Seven Dirty Words" became the center of a debate over censorship, and FCC legislation over profanity.

Has received two Grammys: for his albums "FM & AM" (1972) and "Jammin' in New York" (1993).

Inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame in November 1994.

Has a Hollywood Walk of Fame Star.  Milton Berle resided over the ceremony.

Published author of several books.


A Few Quotes

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit."

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of falling from them.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Stuff

Actually this is just a place for my stuff, ya know? That's all, a little place for my stuff. That's all I want, that's all you need in life, is a little place for your stuff, ya know? I can see it on your table, everybody's got a little place for their stuff. This is my stuff, that's your stuff, that'll be his stuff over there. That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is: a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time.

A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You can see that when you're taking off in an airplane. You look down, you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. All the little piles of stuff. And when you leave your house, you gotta lock it up. Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. They always take the good stuff. They never bother with that crap you're saving. All they want is the shiny stuff. That's what your house is, a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get...more stuff!

Sometimes you gotta move, gotta get a bigger house. Why? No room for your stuff anymore. Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel a hundred percent at home? You know why? No room for your stuff. Somebody else's stuff is all over the ... place! And if you stay overnight, unexpectedly, they give you a little bedroom to sleep in. Bedroom they haven't used in about eleven years. Someone died in it, eleven years ago. And they haven't moved any of his stuff! Right next to the bed there's usually a dresser or a bureau of some kind, and there's NO ROOM for your stuff on it. Somebody else's shit is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?... And you say, "Get that shit offa there and let me put my stuff down!"

Sometimes you leave your house to go on vacation. And you gotta take some of your stuff with you. Gotta take about two big suitcases full of stuff, when you go on vacation. You gotta take a smaller version of your house. It's the second version of your stuff. And you're gonna fly all the way to Honolulu. Gonna go across the continent, across half an ocean to Honolulu. You get down to the hotel room in Honolulu and you open up your suitcase and you put away all your stuff. "Here's a place here, put a little bit of stuff there, put some stuff here, put some stuff--you put your stuff there, I'll put some stuff--here's another place for stuff, look at this, I'll put some stuff here..." And even though you're far away from home, you start to get used to it, you start to feel okay, because after all, you do have some of your stuff with you. That's when your friend calls up from Maui, and says, "Hey, why don'tchya come over to Maui for the weekend and spend a couple of nights over here."

Oh, no! Now what do I pack? Right, you've gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The third version of your house. Just enough stuff to take to Maui for a coupla days. You get over to Maui--I mean you're really getting extended now, when you think about it. You got stuff ALL the way back on the mainland, you got stuff on another island, you got stuff on this island. I mean, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. You get over to your friend's house on Maui and he gives you a little place to sleep, a little bed right next to his windowsill or something. You put some of your stuff up there. You put your stuff up there. You got your Visine, you got your nail clippers, and you put everything up. It takes about an hour and a half, but after a while you finally feel okay, say, "All right, I got my nail clippers, I must be okay." That's when your friend says, "Aaaaay, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island, visit a pal of mine and maybe stay over."

Aww, no. NOW what do you pack? Right--you gotta pack an even SMALLER version of your stuff. The fourth version of your house. Only the stuff you know you're gonna need. Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pen, smokes, rubber and change. Well, only the stuff you HOPE you're gonna need.

Did I see what I think I saw?

Horatio Caine gets shot.  His sunglasses lie on the ground in front of him with a hole through the lens.  His body jerks and the expression on his face is like his life is passing in front of his eyes.  CSI: Miami

Fade Out
End Teaser

 

Oh wait!  It gets better.

Ryan Wolfe gets a text message on his phone, "It is done." 

It's reminiscent of what Julia Ortega, an arms dealer, said over the phone after he was put behind bars, "Let me know when it is done."

Now Fade Out
End Teaser

 

What?  What is going on?

I have followed CSI: Miami since two years ago.  I watch the older episodes on A&E.  I've caught up with the show.  I know the history of every character because I've read all of their bios.  I know the story line because I've read up on all the episodes.

I watched the day Ryan Wolfe was hired from a street patrol to CSI.  I watched when he was fired for gambling.  I watched when Horatio got him hired again.  Horatio liked the kid from day one.  I believe there is no way Ryan Wolfe would have anything to do with Horatio's death.

So, I thought maybe I missed something.  Here's the best part.  I watched the entire episode again…online…CBS…Primetime…CSI: Miami.  That's right baby!  The entire episode is online with no commercials.  Ok, so there were four quick ones not even a minute long each.  This is not your grandma's television anymore.  I watched a rerun a few short days after I watched the original.

Yep, he was shot alright.  I guess I'm just going to have to wait until August to see what actually happened.

In the meantime, I'm catching up on the back story.

Theory: He had Kevlar on and it was a fake death.  His brother faked his death to go deeper under cover.  That could be what Horatio is doing.

He has gone to New York to chase a murderer.  He has gone to Brazil to chase his wife's murderer.  I wouldn't put it past him.  I wouldn't put anything past him.

When I was young, I thought of everything as possible.  Flying off the roof of the barn wasn't anything to be afraid of trying.  Sledding down an icy road was fun.  Nothing to be afraid of there.

When did the world change?

Now, I would consider the broken arm from the fall off the barn roof.  I would think about the cars that could be coming while I was trying to go sledding.  I guess you could say I grew up a bit.  I now have a logical outlook and reason with life even though I still jump out of airplanes and eat hot dogs from street vendors.

But, when did I start thinking things were impossible?  Instead, I should be thinking the impossible.

Quite a few years ago, I wrote my first book.  I submitted A New Return to Urbanism to the publisher, John Gordon Burke who is in the process of publishing it as we speak.  All my life I thought of writing a book, but that was the problem.  I thought about it.  A New Return to Urbanism was when I finally decided to do it.

Then, I wrote another book called A Danger to Society and it's out now.  Obviously writing a book isn't that hard.  I've done it twice now and I'm working on a third.  But, I have a secret this time.  I'm going to get a celebrity to endorse my book.

It may not be Oprah, but I'm going to try.  And I have her address as well as the phone number of her publicist.  That's information I thought would be impossible to obtain, but You Just Never Know What You Can Do.  When you try, you can do anything.

Why did I think it was impossible to get in contact with a celebrity?  Because they are protected and I want them to be protected.  I don't plan on pestering celebrities just because I have their information.  I'll handle it the way I always do.  I'll write a letter or call the publicist and see if they can set up something.  If not, then it's not meant to be.  I can try someone else.

But, that's the power!  Celebrities hold something that few of us have.  Influence.

No one else is asked to go before Congress except for experts.  But, as I recall, several celebrities have appeared before Congress to testify just because they were in a movie where they learned for a day or a mere few hours about oceanography or anthropology.  Their word is taken as heavily as an expert's.  That's influence.

Think about it!  If Ellen Degeneres says one thing about a cause or brings someone on stage to highlight them, it's on!  People everywhere will help.  Point in case:  The other day Ellen brought on a 70 year old first grader by the name of Alferd Williams.  She gave him a check for $10,000 and his teacher Alesia Hamilton pointed out that Alferd had his eye on a plot of land that was up on a hill.  Ellen made an announcement that anyone who wanted to help him build a house should get in contact with the show and she would arrange for them to help Alferd.  My point is that I would be willing to bet he has a house in no time.

That's celebrity power!  If you have an event or a cause that needs some support, celebrities can bring it.  They do it all the time.  When they lend their name to it, it explodes because we all have an uncanny attraction to celebrities.  Their simple name urges us all to action.

That's the power.  Get in contact with a celebrity today!

There's a little rule I learned a long time ago.  If you don't ask, the answer is "No!"  You Just Never Know What You Can Do!

I’ve been ghostwriting for various clients and consulting for small online businesses for years now.  But when I was sitting in my seat daydreaming in fifth grade, this was the furthest thing from my mind.  I wanted to be a writer, a legitimate writer.

 

Writing novels was my first love.  I’m one of those who dreamed of writing America’s Best Seller.  But a few years ago, Walt Disney was offering a great opportunity.  They were awarding one year positions to screenwriters.  So, I took a stab at it.

 

I wrote my first screenplay.  I called it Hermit in the Village and it got me started on screenplays.  Obviously, it didn’t get me the position at Walt Disney because once I finished the screenplay I read the very important small print information that my screenplay needed to be copyrighted either through the Guild or at the Library of Congress.  The LOC takes about three months and I just didn’t qualify to be in the Guild let alone copyright my screenplay through them.

 

So, it was stored and worked on for the next year until the opportunity presented itself again.  But then, a completely different opportunity came along and my screenplay went on the backburner even though my love for writing them never did.  Now, I have a fresh screenplay that just came to me as an inevitable write that I simply had to do before someone else did.  It’s along the lines with what happened to The Dukes of Hazard and Starsky and Hutch.  Only this television series is serious with funny quirks and someone is bound to write the movie for it.  It might as well be me.

 

The issue is that it is finished and the journey begins.  I want to walk you through it because it is intriguing what I’m doing here and it just might help you if you have the same aspiration.  See, I have an interesting strategy.  I have contacts in celebrityville.  That’s right!  If I can’t get in touch with the celebrity myself, I certainly can get a hold of any celebrity’s manager, agent or publicist.  I’ve been doing it now for a few years and I’ve finally decided to start writing a blog about it at celebrityadvocatetoday.com.

 

Search: Directors

 

With the screenplay finished, I need to find a director.  But, it’s not as easy as thumbing through a rolodex.  The person who doesn’t put their homework in will never get anywhere.  There are search criteria that you will have to follow because you can’t just pitch a screenplay to any director.  And by the way, by director I also mean any filmmaker, producer or Entertainment Company that might want to look at it.

 

Keep Dignified

 

Pitching your screenplay to just anyone is wasted time.  Quentin Tarantino would most likely not be interested in this movie.  So, getting a hold of his people wouldn’t be ideal.  Plus, I don’t brush elbows with celebrities.  I just happen to know how to get in contact with many of them.  But let’s just say that one day I happen to bump into Quentin at a party, I would most likely ask him who I should pitch “IF” the conversation would indeed happen. 

 

I would not pitch him and lose all my dignity in half a second.  Even though just about everyone in Hollywood was a starving artist at one time, it’s not attractive to chase and pester celebrities.  Talk to celebrities as if they are people and you’ll get further.  Treating them like a meal ticket will turn them off immediately even though a few of them find it flattering.

 

Find a Match

 

So, I’m rolling through my proverbial rolodex and I pull out all the directors I have in my black book.  Again, I only want to find the ones who match.  Plus, I can’t pitch them all at one time.  There is an unwritten rule about that.  So, I need to really go one at a time and the best way to save time is to find the best match.

 

Here’s what I did: 

 

First, I think of a movie that closely resembles mine.  That MIGHT be The Dukes of Hazard as a first shot.  I say might because there might be a better director suited for me out there somewhere.  But, looking at The Dukes of Hazard is a good first shot that gets me started in my search.

 

Second, IMDB.com is a database that offers great information on anything you want to know concerning movies.  I do a quick search for The Dukes of Hazard and I find Jessica Simpson so I know I have the right movie because they did make another one.  I want to work with the guy who cast Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson and a good old boy for real Willie Nelson.

 

Third, the search produces Jay Chandrasekhar as the director of The Dukes of Hazard so, that’s as good of a start as any.  If I am going to pitch him, I have to understand that it is going to take some time.  But, time is worth it.  People who want their movies shot yesterday, don’t care enough about their work.  There are people out there who just want to be celebrities for celebrity sake.  But, the only ones who last in Hollywood are the ones who care about their work.  It comes through in their projects and their fans appreciate it.

 

After looking through his profile, I find that Jay is a comedian.  But, he has an impressive list of movies he has directed including Super Troopers, Beerfest, and he’s in the process of doing Super Troopers 2.  My screenplay still fits his style of work.  If it hadn’t, I would have simply flipped to someone else and began looking through their portfolios to see if they match.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  The only reason I am looking for a match is because I don’t want to waste a few years pitching to director after director and becoming an annoying pest in the inner circles.  Finding a match insures that you are heading in the right direction and are best increasing your chances of getting seen let alone making a deal.

 

So, my final step is to look Jay up in my “rolodex” and find his contact information.  I put together my synopsis and treatment.  Then, I contact Jay’s company to see if they would like to look over my work.  Not too pushy, but the right amount of aggression.  I do have to explain how I think Jay would love the movie.  But you see, I’ve already done my homework.  I’m not just shooting in the dark.  I have answers and I use a bit of my business consulting finesse to get me in there.

 

Sit back, relax and go back to work.  Don’t bug them every day.  File 13.  Don’t go see them.  File 13.  It’s the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” game and there is a way to play.  If you wait about a month, that’s a good amount of time to follow up on your contact.  You may not get an answer then, but you will definitely be appreciated for not bugging them.  Make sure you don’t take for granted that they obviously know who you are.  Make sure you remind them about screenplay, what it’s about, why Jay would love it and basically have a cut down version of the same conversation you had a month ago.  Who knows?  You just might get an appointment that day.